November 20th, 2012.
It started out as just another day... A pretty good day at that.
I was finally leaving Rexburg to head to Utah for Thanksgiving, ecstatic to see all of my family.
I had gone to breakfast with two of my best friends before we all left for break.
For some weird reason I decided to leave my phone home while we went to breakfast.
We had such a wonderful time, just eating, chatting about life, all relaxed since we were out of school for a while.
I got home and looked at my phone and saw I had a few missed calls from my Mom.
And one voicemail.
I listened to the voicemail, and my Mom said: "Hi Cam, please call me as soon as you can, thanks, bye."
Just a simple voicemail.
But it sounded different.
Something was wrong.
I could just feel it as I listened to it.
I knew instantly that someone had died.
I don't know how but I just did.
I first thought of someone in the family and my heart started racing and I got so nervous.
I pressed the callback button so anxious to know what had happened.
As it was ringing, my heart pounding out of my chest, waiting for my Mom to answer the phone and tell me everything was fine.
But it wasn't.
I stood there in my room as she told me that Madie died in a car accident earlier that morning.
I couldn't even comprehend what she was saying to me.
Madie who??? I said to her.
Madie Morris.
What???? Madie Morris? Madeline Morris? Madeline. Rose. Morris. ?
Yes.
Are you sure???
Yes Cami. Madie's dead.
I was in complete shock.
I honestly didn't even know what to do at this point.
I stood there, not knowing which emotion was supposed to come out, yet feeling every emotion at the same time.
Unbelief, sadness, despair, depression, horror, shock, and then again nothing, all at the same time.
One of my closest friends died in a car accident.
That happens to people.
But that doesn't ever happen to you.
You know?
But it did.
And I had no idea what to do or how to handle it all.
My mom filled me in on the little details she knew, and then we hung up.
I stood there in my room, not really knowing how to feel.
I started to cry a little and remember just repeating oh my gosh... Oh my gosh... Madie's gone...
Eventually my roommates walked in and all I wanted to be was alone so I could figure it all out.
I was supposed to leave for Utah in an hour.
I got so many phone calls that day from people wanting to know what had happened.
I had to repeat it so many times.
Each time my heart grew heavier with the grief.
I think I told them so many times I think I became numb to the point where I didn't really comprehend that it had actually happened.
Like it was just another story.
Not real.
Just a story.
An hour later after I got the phone call my ride to Utah was going to pick me up.
Thankfully I was going with two of my closest friends.
They were so good to me.
I cried the whole 4 hours to Utah that afternoon.
Tears were constantly streaming down my face.
We finally got to Utah and I was able to be with my family for the week.
The rest of the week when everyone would ask me about it I wouldn't cry.
I would just tell them what happened, and I was completely fine.
Even when I was by myself.
I basically was just rejecting it all.
I was in denial.
It just didn't seem real enough for me to believe it.
Until I went home to Rexburg.
I was dreading getting back to real life.
As soon as I got home, and walked through the door to my room it all hit me.
Right where I got the news.
It all became so real.
My wonderful roommate Xan had dinner and a clean apartment waiting for me.
As soon as I got in the door we hugged forever.
Xan is one of my best friends, even more like a sister to me.
She wasn't there when I got the news, she'd already left for Thanksgiving.
She knew I was in so much pain, and she helped me through most of it all that semester.
She talked with me.
She cried with me.
She mourned with me.
Without Xan I'm not sure what would have happened to me that semester.
That week was so so hard.
Madie's funeral was going to be the next weekend, and I wanted to be there so bad.
I had to be there.
It was my best friend's funeral.
How could I not be?
It was looking like I wasn't going to be able to make it.
Flights were just too expensive.
Then Madie's sister Rachelle asked me to speak at the funeral.
I was so nervous.
I had never even been to a funeral in my entire life.
Let alone speak at one.
At my best friend's...
So I had to be there.
Thankfully I was able to find a cheap enough flight and take off some school to go down to Houston for the funeral that weekend.
Being home was even harder.
Going over to her house and being in her room, and her not being there...
It was unbearable.
I was an emotional wreck that whole weekend.
It was all just too much for me to handle.
So all week I was super nervous to write and give this talk at Madie's funeral.
I had no earthly idea what I was supposed to say.
Two nights before the funeral, as I sat down to write my talk, I just broke down.
I was audibly weeping on my bed, and said out loud:
"Madie. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. What am I supposed to tell everyone? Please help me."
It was as though I could hear her contagious laugh, and her beautiful voice say to me:
"Cami. It's just me! Just tell them about the fun times we had. It's just me."
This whole time I had been feeling so much sorrow for Madie's family.
What I never realized is that I hadn't let it affect me yet.
I hadn't let myself miss HER yet.
Until that night.
And I REALLY missed her.
It was an unbearable pain I can't even describe.
It's unbearable now, to re tell and go through the most painful experience I've had in my life yet.
I've been dreading it, but I figured today of all days would be the best.
Madeline Rose's birthday, and 6th month anniversary of her passing.
I love you Madeline Rose.
And I can't wait to see you again someday.
It will be a joyous reunion.
You have changed my life for the better.
Your physical absence and void in my life becomes more and more evident as the days pass, but when I can feel your presence with us it is a wonderful experience.
There isn't a day I don't think about you Mads.
Love and miss you forever.
Best friends always.
C.
