The House That Built Me

Anyone that knows me knows I kind of hate country music.

Which is weird, right? 

Because of course I should like it... I'm from Texas!

But I'm really not a fan.

But, to be honest...

Deep down inside, my inner Texan can't resist some good ole' country music!

You can take the girl out of Texas but you can't take Texas out of the girl.

It's ALL I used to listen to growing up, so I get VERY nostalgic when I listen to it.

The other day this song came on while I was in the car with my friend Michelle.

It was The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert.

My first thought was to shun it because it was country.

But I listened to the words and realized what she was saying.

I was seriously bawling like a baby.

It was pretty embarrassing...

But this song meant/means so much to me right now.

This song applies perfectly to me during this time in my life.

Everyone has told me that college is the time of your life and how much fun it is!

But, to be honest with you...

I think it's the hardest time in life.

You have all of these HUGE life decisions that you have to make.

You're alone, away from home, have to make a new life for yourself...
And in my experience, on top of all of that change already, my best friend had unexpectedly died in a car accident.
As if I wasn't homesick enough during this time in my life.

These past 6 months of my life have been pretty traumatic and hard to live through.

But it seems whenever I go away from home I get lost in everything that's going on and forget who I am a little bit. 

As I listened to this song, I thought about who I should be compared to the house that built me.

And then I thought about who I actually AM compared to the the house that built me...

And it really hit home for me.

I'm not living up to the house that built me.

To the parents that built the house that built me.

As I listened I also had overwhelming gratitude for my parents.

I love them with all of my heart and more.

They are always there for me and have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice so much for me.

This is another song that has definitely changed my life.

It made me step back, look at my life, and think... Is this really who I am and what I want to be?
Or, am I at least moving toward what I eventually want to be?

Are you moving toward what you want in the eternal perspective?

C.

The One with the Phone Call...

November 20th, 2012. 

It started out as just another day... A pretty good day at that.

I was finally leaving Rexburg to head to Utah for Thanksgiving, ecstatic to see all of my family. 

I had gone to breakfast with two of my best friends before we all left for break.

For some weird reason I decided to leave my phone home while we went to breakfast.

We had such a wonderful time, just eating, chatting about life, all relaxed since we were out of school for a while.

I got home and looked at my phone and saw I had a few missed calls from my Mom.

And one voicemail.

I listened to the voicemail, and my Mom said: "Hi Cam, please call me as soon as you can, thanks, bye."

Just a simple voicemail.

But it sounded different.

Something was wrong.

I could just feel it as I listened to it.

I knew instantly that someone had died.

I don't know how but I just did.

I first thought of someone in the family and my heart started racing and I got so nervous.

I pressed the callback button so anxious to know what had happened.

As it was ringing, my heart pounding out of my chest, waiting for my Mom to answer the phone and tell me everything was fine.

But it wasn't. 

I stood there in my room as she told me that Madie died in a car accident earlier that morning.

I couldn't even comprehend what she was saying to me.

Madie who??? I said to her.

Madie Morris.

What???? Madie Morris? Madeline Morris? Madeline. Rose. Morris. ?

Yes.

Are you sure???

Yes Cami. Madie's dead.

I was in complete shock.

I honestly didn't even know what to do at this point.

I stood there, not knowing which emotion was supposed to come out, yet feeling every emotion at the same time.

Unbelief, sadness, despair, depression, horror, shock, and then again nothing, all at the same time.

One of my closest friends died in a car accident.

That happens to people. 

But that doesn't ever happen to you.

You know?

But it did.

And I had no idea what to do or how to handle it all.

My mom filled me in on the little details she knew, and then we hung up.

I stood there in my room, not really knowing how to feel.

I started to cry a little and remember just repeating oh my gosh... Oh my gosh... Madie's gone...

Eventually my roommates walked in and all I wanted to be was alone so I could figure it all out.

I was supposed to leave for Utah in an hour.

I got so many phone calls that day from people wanting to know what had happened.

I had to repeat it so many times.

Each time my heart grew heavier with the grief.

I think I told them so many times I think I became numb to the point where I didn't really comprehend that it had actually happened.

Like it was just another story.

Not real.

Just a story.

An hour later after I got the phone call my ride to Utah was going to pick me up.

Thankfully I was going with two of my closest friends.

They were so good to me.

I cried the whole 4 hours to Utah that afternoon.

Tears were constantly streaming down my face.

We finally got to Utah and I was able to be with my family for the week.

The rest of the week when everyone would ask me about it I wouldn't cry.

I would just tell them what happened, and I was completely fine.

Even when I was by myself.

I basically was just rejecting it all.

I was in denial.

It just didn't seem real enough for me to believe it.

Until I went home to Rexburg.

I was dreading getting back to real life.

As soon as I got home, and walked through the door to my room it all hit me.

Right where I got the news.

It all became so real.

My wonderful roommate Xan had dinner and a clean apartment waiting for me.

As soon as I got in the door we hugged forever.

Xan is one of my best friends, even more like a sister to me.

She wasn't there when I got the news, she'd already left for Thanksgiving.

She knew I was in so much pain, and she helped me through most of it all that semester.

She talked with me.

She cried with me.

She mourned with me.

Without Xan I'm not sure what would have happened to me that semester.

 That week was so so hard.

Madie's funeral was going to be the next weekend, and I wanted to be there so bad.

I had to be there.

It was my best friend's funeral.

How could I not be?

It was looking like I wasn't going to be able to make it.

Flights were just too expensive.

Then Madie's sister Rachelle asked me to speak at the funeral.

I was so nervous.

I had never even been to a funeral in my entire life. 

Let alone speak at one.

At my best friend's...

So I had to be there.

Thankfully I was able to find a cheap enough flight and take off some school to go down to Houston for the funeral that weekend.

Being home was even harder.

Going over to her house and being in her room, and her not being there...

It was unbearable.

I was an emotional wreck that whole weekend.

It was all just too much for me to handle.

So all week I was super nervous to write and give this talk at Madie's funeral.

I had no earthly idea what I was supposed to say.

Two nights before the funeral, as I sat down to write my talk, I just broke down.

I was audibly weeping on my bed, and said out loud: 

"Madie. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. What am I supposed to tell everyone? Please help me." 

It was as though I could hear her contagious laugh, and her beautiful voice say to me:

"Cami. It's just me! Just tell them about the fun times we had. It's just me."

This whole time I had been feeling so much sorrow for Madie's family.

What I never realized is that I hadn't let it affect me yet.

I hadn't let myself miss HER yet.

Until that night.

And I REALLY missed her. 

It was an unbearable pain I can't even describe.

It's unbearable now, to re tell and go through the most painful experience I've had in my life yet.

I've been dreading it, but I figured today of all days would be the best.

Madeline Rose's birthday, and 6th month anniversary of her passing.

I love you Madeline Rose.

And I can't wait to see you again someday.

It will be a joyous reunion.

You have changed my life for the better.

Your physical absence and void in my life becomes more and more evident as the days pass, but when I can feel your presence with us it is a wonderful experience.

There isn't a day I don't think about you Mads.

Love and miss you forever.

Best friends always.

C.

Once Upon Another Time

Last week was finals week.
Enough said.
Also, I had to pack up everything I own...
Moving is the worst.
I was stressed to say the least.
I was on Facebook doing what I do best, procrastinating (and stalking ;), and I came across a song a friend posted on her wall.
It was a song by Sara Bareilles that I was surprised I had never heard of!
I love Sara, and thought I was a good enough fan to have heard all of her music.
Apparently not, haha.
Anyway.
She is incredibly talented and passion seeps through her music.
So I pressed play... and I couldn't believe my ears.
Music has always touched my soul more than a lot of things can.
But there have only been a few instances where I felt that a song literally changed my life.
This was one of those moments.
I was stressed and crying because of finals, moving, and trying to just figure out what to do next with my life.
When I heard this song in that moment in my life where I felt everything was going wrong, everything seemed so right somehow, and I though of this quote instantly.
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
-Dan Auerbach
That quote can't be more true for me.
Music has always done that... Made me momentarily forget all of my problems.
From a very young age music has always been a comfort, a friend.
It is such a wonderful thing, and I wouldn't be who I am without it.
So listen to this song and let it inspire you!
You can hear so much passion, depth, and soul in this song.
I love it and just had to share!
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
:)



C.

General Conference Weekend!

Last weekend I went to Salt Lake City with some old roommates Casey & Anna, along with Anna's fiancé. 

It was such a beautiful day to drive down!!!

Despite Idaho's ugliness in the dead of winter, it really is quite lovely in the Spring!

Casey's cousins were able to get us tickets to the Saturday afternoon session of Conference!

Temple Square is one of my favorite places in the whole world.

It's just absolutely breathtaking!

I'm a sucker for cherry blossom trees...

It was a wonderful experience to be able to be in the Conference center!

It was all of our first times to go to a session.

You could feel the Spirit so strongly.

It was also very cool that I got to go to that session because my home town Houston was represented quite well. :)

Stanley Ellis, one of the 70's who spoke has known me since I was born.

His youngest daughter and I grew up together, and my oldest sister married one of his sons!

They are like a second family to me.

Also, Bonnie Oscarson was called to be the new Young Women's President, and her daughter is one of my oldest sisters best friends.

Whitney Clayton spoke as well, but I don't think he spoke that session.

But when my dad was a mission president in Mexico, Elder Clayton and his wife visited and stayed with us while going around speaking at zone conferences in the mission.

It made me totally homesick for Mexico!

Him and his wife are amazing people, and I'm so grateful I got to meet them!

(Anna, Me & Casey)

(Vinny, Anna, Me & Casey)

I love going to Salt Lake because I get to stay with my grandparents Cy & Neva! :)

I love them dearly!

I'm so grateful that they are always so willing to let me stay with them while I'm in Utah!

I love spending time with them, because I didn't always get to growing up since we lived in Texas.

We only went to Utah once a year, usually during the summer.

So since I've been up in Idaho for school the past two years I've gotten to see them so much more!

It's been such a blessing, and really just so much fun!

I'm really grateful for them and the examples they are to me in my life.

Also, grandpa gave me these awesome old film cameras!!!

I can't wait to test them out...

He told me that if I have more than 6 it's considered a museum... Now I have 8. ;)

C.

Skulls, Bones & Geo Caching

Meet Jenny. She's absolutely darling! We're totally kindred spirits.
(Check out her awesome lifestyle blog! She's adorable!)
So once upon a time Jenny and I went on an adventure!

Well, really we just went out to take some photos of each other since we're both photographers and are never in front of the camera.

I needed a self portrait for my photo class, and I needed to take a portrait for my portfolio.

BUT.

It turned into a pretty great adventure.

We drove to this park by a cute little river off the side of the road, grabbed all of our stuff and went off to shoot some photos!

Jenny took some of me first, but then right as it was my turn to photograph her, it starts raining.

What a buzz kill.

So we grab all of our stuff and run back to her car.

Except Jenny left the keys somewhere in the woods, so she ran back to find them.

By the time she got back, it was basically done raining, so we decided to stay and take some more pictures!

And thank goodness we did.

Because this is when it started to turn into an adventure. 

:)
So we were wandering around this cool little park taking some polaroids, some on my other film and of course digital.
As we were roaming out to this little swamp land Jenny had found looking for her keys, we discovered animal bones!
Kinda creepy, but totally cool to see up close!

And naturally I took some fun polaroids of them!
After examining the bones for a while we journeyed off to the swamp land.
As we were passing these rocks and logs, I all of a sudden hear Jenny yell from behind:
"GEO-CACHE!!!!!!"
I kind of knew what that was... Okay let's be honest I didn't.
I had heard of it before but when whoever told me told me I wasn't paying attention.
So I still don't know what it is completely, but I DO know it's just stuff hidden in a box all over a bunch of different places for people to find?
Okay, that explanation was horrid.
Just go look it up if you don't know what it is.
It's pretty cool.
Anyway, so she found it hidden in between these rocks and logs!
Good eye, Jen.

Jenny was pretty stoked about it too.
So when you find the geo-cache, you are supposed to take an item from the box, and give one.
And also sign your name on a little notebook in there and what you gave.
So, we didn't really have anything we could give away...
But I'm pretty sure we ended up putting the coolest thing in there.
Naturally, a polaroid of Jenny holding the geo-cache box. ;)
Jenny is so good at geo-caching.
She's geo-caching when she's NOT geo-caching.

It really ended up being one of my favorite days of last semester!
It was fabulous.
Here are some other fun pictures from the day!
Idaho skies kill me... SO beautiful.

And of course some panoramas!

Thankfully Jenny was there to document my stupidity behind the scenes... 

Here are some of the lovely photos Jenny took of me! :)

 

I'm SO picky about photos of myself.
I hate having them done... So bless Jenny's little heart.
She was probably SO annoyed with me haha!
I love how they turned out!
Go check out this blog post to see more photos I took of Jenny!

C.

Gratitude

I have a love/hate relationship with working out.
I have a hard time getting myself to the gym or outside to run, but once I'm there I love it.
And I love how I feel once I'm done: so accomplished and healthy!
This past week has been AMAZING!
I have learned so much about myself and about life.
I have grown physically, mentally, and most importantly spiritually.
This week I decided to wake up early at around 7:00-8:00 every morning and workout before class.
I have always been the kind of girl that works out on and off.
I'm never consistent.
Which is obviously not a good thing, and something I've really worked hard on this week.
I worked my butt off every single morning this week and it has paid off already.
My habits have changed because of it, too.
Since I work out I want to eat healthy.
Which is an amazing thing.
 Also, since I wake up really early to workout, I have a lot more time before my classes in the morning.
So I've decided to do my 30 minute scripture study before class, that way I start the day off right!
And let me tell you...
It has made a HUGE difference in the way that I am and how I hold myself.
I've always known all of these things were good for me, but isn't it funny how sometimes we go through the same cycle?
Where we know what things will make us happy but we just don't want to do them?
I can't believe it has happened to me so many times, but it always does!
I have felt SO productive this week, and it's an incredible feeling.
This week scripture study has had the most impact on my life than it ever has.
I've never felt that when I read the scriptures I can completely relate/apply them to my life.
It's obviously because I wasn't understanding them, or not really pondering and making an effort to.
I'm in a scripture study class this semester, and my teacher told us there is nothing more important than praying before studying the scriptures.
I have come to find that to be so true.
As I studied them this week I always prayed beforehand to have a better understanding, be able to apply it to my life and present day situation, and learn to better teach others (in preparation for my mission in the fall).
Everything I have read this week was exactly what I needed.
But I want to share a specific experience I had.
So the other day I saw a larger woman at the grocery store, and she could barely walk she was so big.
It made me incredibly sad for her, and crazy grateful for my own health and physical well being.
I thought of all the exercise I had done this week and felt so blessed that I have a body that can even do those things.
I was praying the other night thanking God for my body and the abilities He has given me.
I apologized for not always being grateful for my own body, because I'm not completely comfortable with the way I look.
But who is? We all have flaws.
Then the next day I was reading in my scriptures and this stuck out to me:
"I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another- I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants." -Mosiah 2:21
And for me, in my point in life and circumstance, this scripture meant so much!
I'm just so incredibly grateful that I get to move and do according to my will.
How powerful is that?
So no matter what size you are, love yourself, and be grateful for these beautiful bodies God has given us.
Treat them like a temple, a sacred and holy place.
Take care of them as best as you possibly can.
They are a gift.
It's amazing how when you change even just one little thing in your life, it has a ripple effect.
Life is wonderful.
I encourage everyone to find one thing in their lives they could make better or change, and see if other things change too.
I'm positive that they will as long as you're working hard and have the righteous desire to be better!
Also, this quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley gave me comfort when I didn't want to workout, or read my scriptures, or do the things I am supposed to:
"Carry on. Things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out. They always do..." -Gordon B. Hinckley

C.

Just One of Those Days

(It's 1:13 in the morning, I can't sleep, and I have the random urge to blog. So here we go.)
Recently the weather here in Rexburg has actually been pretty nice!

Then Wednesday morning it decided to snow...

I was not a happy camper.

Just when you're ready for Spring Rexburg laughs in your face.

It was just one of those mornings where all you want to do is curl up in bed and go back to sleep.

So my roommate Emily and I were talking about how much we just wanted to watch a movie and have donuts and hot chocolate.

Then we looked at each other and both were thinking the same thing... 

It was the morning where I would skip class and we would watch Say Anything.

(We had been meaning to do this all semester since I had never seen it before, but the perfect opportunity hadn't presented itself yet.)

It was definitely the perfect morning to do it.
We still really wanted those donuts though...

And unfortunately Cali is the only one in our apartment that has a car, and she was at a tutoring lesson.

Then a few minutes later she walks through the door saying it was cancelled until 11:30!

So I told her our plan about wanting to go to Paradise to get donuts, and she let us take her car.

It was totally fate.

Our dreams were becoming a reality.

Emily and I hopped in the car and I bought us some yummy donuts.

So we ate old fashioned buttermilk donuts, drank our hot chocolate, and watched a great 80's movie.

In our pajamas.

Pretty great morning if you ask me.
Sometimes you just have to have those lazy pajama days, you know?
Especially those freezing snowy days.
Oh wait... So everyday in Rexburg...

C.